cobwebs for maps

k hold on

the other day i got wrapped up in trying to prevent a kid from committing suicide over the internet (first off like WTF WAT BUTTON DID I CLICK TO GET THERE). it happened in r/trees: he tried meth drunk, loved it, wanted more, but was scared for himself, was already unhappy and wanted to take his life. long story short, he didn’t do it that night. his situation was that he happened to end up in the wrong crowd and one night  just happened to be around meth that was offered to him. i asked him what possessed him to try it, but this got me thinking, though: to be honest i don’t think, if i was in that situation (under the influence), i could say no either. like seriously. in high school my freshman year i didn’t hang out with the most reputable people. i’m not turned away from heroin, either; i’ve never been offered it (though i’ve been around it), and that’s why i haven’t tried it. seriously. i would try heroin. it’s not that i WANT to do heroin; i would try heroin, though. idk. these are the thoughts i have. they’re a little scary but…

first personal post in a WHILE idk.

i just want my baby back.

#serioustimenao

i’ve been dealing with sleeping issues since i was in high school. it started when i had a 6am class (had to be up at 5am), and i’d take a nap as soon as i got home around 230pm, and i wouldn’t wake up until about 6/7pm when my dad would get home from work. then i’d stay awake all night until about 3am because of the nap i took. eventually this became routine, and i didn’t really think anything of it.

then i noticed that i had stopped taking a nap when i got home from school, and i was running on maybe 2-4 hours of sleep a night; at the same time, i started to get really bad migraines all the time (maybe 3-4 times a week). i still didn’t think anything of it, however i noticed that i was always tired, but never sleepy. i talked to my mom, who told me i was fine, and i believed her. this is how it’s been ever since. i eventually got used to feeling tired all the time, and i knew how to manage it. then college came.

david came to eastern my 3rd year of college, and we started sleeping in the same bed together. david started waking me up all the time telling me that i was grinding/chomping my teeth in my sleep, and that i was twitching a lot. of course i never knew this because i had never slept with another person before. i thought the teeth-grinding was just because i’m a stressed-out college student, but i would do it even when things were smooth-sailing or when we were on breaks. i also noticed that david can fall asleep within 10-20 minutes, and it takes me over an hour to actually fall asleep, and i usually wake up 2-3 times during the night. i also slept in the same bed as my friend anna my freshman year of college, and she could fall asleep really easily, too. this is when i noticed that there might be more to my sleeping problems than i thought.

i also have seasonal affective disorder, and during the end of fall and winter, i noticed that i started feeling like, “down” all the time. i don’t want to say depressed, but idk i could’ve been. as of lately, i’ve been getting more and more irritable; the littlest things piss me off and upset me, and i can’t calm down. also my anxiety is through the roof. david and i have been fighting a lot more (like serious fighting/physical fighting), and it’s mainly because i flip out at him for really stupid reasons, and idk i just get really sad and upset all the time. i’ve been thinking about my sleeping issues and thought that maybe it’s time i tried to have a serious talk again with my parents.

when i came home for christmas break, i found out my mom is on like, mood stabilizers for anxiety and Ambien. this caught me off-guard, because i know that biologically/mentally my mom and i are almost the same, and we always have been. now i’m afraid to talk to her about it because i feel that the timing is weird.

so anyway i started googling a lot lately about my sleeplessness and i found some interesting stuff. idk why my insomnia started exactly, whether i onset it or not, but it has never gotten better; only worse. i also read that lack of sleep inhibits your body from fighting off migraines. also, twitching/grinding teeth encourages my insomnia. people with insomnia have a hard time falling and staying asleep, and usually wake up in the middle of the night. people with insomnia never feel rested; they feel tired, but never sleepy. i also read that anxiety also encourages insomnia, so i started to read up on anxiety. i never thought that i had an issue with anxiety, but as i read up on it, it made a lot more sense. anxiety affects more women than men. people with anxiety are more intense in situations that aren’t really that serious, they startle easily, feel tired and have trouble falling and staying asleep. also, people with anxiety twitch a lot, are irritable, and have to go to the bathroom a lot. this is me to a freaking T. insomnia causes depression and anxiety, and anxiety causes insomnia. i think this might be what’s going on with me…idk. i just know that insomnia and anxiety kind of go hand in hand.

i’ve had two deaths in my family within a couple months (probably less), my grandmother is slowly dying, my mom told me she’s on medication, my family puts a lot of pressure on me with school/my recreational behaviors, my sister is getting married tomorrow, my family is having a lot of financial issues, and idk i think this is all weighing down on me, which isn’t helping.

i talked to david about all this, and he’s told me that ever since he’s come to eastern, he’s noticed that i’m more irritable and tense. this is just because he’s finally around me like, all the time and sees how i really am. but still, he’s told me that he’s noticed that i’ve been struggling with myself. i asked him what i should do, if i should talk to someone, and he says i should. they say that you should see a doctor if it begins to interfere with your life, and i think it’s causing a lot of strain on david and i’s relationship, as well and my relationship with my family. i know david and i aren’t married or anything, but i think that counts as interfering right? this all makes me feel really selfish, and idk how to talk about this to my parents; i’m really nervous. david says i shouldn’t be ashamed or worried to ask for help, because it’s what i need to feel better.


i just don’t know…